ME. 40.

Occasionally, it comes time to express in words. I come visit my blog and read past entries with a glad heart that I made the effort in posting when I did. It helps to look back and have the perspective that I do now. I don't really know why my entries will just...STOP. Actually--I know why they do--my head gets in the way. And laundry.

I just read a quote at the bottom of Kaydee's blog that inspired me to stop thinking and just do. So here I am. 2 years later. I guess that shouldn't matter as long as I am doing.

Addie 14
Hollynd 12
McKay 8
Jack 8
Taft 3

It's really happening. Time moves so quickly. It's usually at this time I have this feeling anyway, during their final week of the school year, when I look up from what I was I was doing and think, "holy bananas", where has the time gone? Their final days of 8th, 6th, 2nd grades are coming to a close this week. 3 more days to be exact.

Cross country, history projects,

cheer, basketball, coaching basketball, field trips, class parties, student government, coaching soccer, soccer, ... It's all coming to a close. Can't decide if I'm excited or not. We had a fun-filled year but, true to form, midlife stirs up thoughts of regret and insecurities along the lines of did I do good enough as a mom? TIME IS RUNNING OUT! Did I teach them? Do they fold their own laundry and clean their rooms without being told yet? NOT ENOUGH TIME!

 Stupid mid-life, GO AWAY!

Yep, there's this:

Me 40.

GO AWAY!

“To you women of today, who are old or young, may I suggest that you write, that you keep journals, that you express your thoughts on paper. Writing is a great discipline. It is a tremendous educational effort. It will assist you in various ways, and you will bless the lives of many—your families and others—now and in the years to come, as you put on paper some of your experiences and some of your musings.” (Gordon B. Hinckley)

Thoughts on speech given by Michael Otterson at FairMormon Conference.

Interesting speech about The LDS Church and Public Affairs. 

http://youtu.be/4rgNu4FFvd8

It is particularly interesting to me his insight into how The LDS Church's Public Relations "handles" and deals with current issues in our society. Although most of his comments are based on a large-scale context of how a worldwide church's public affairs department is run, it caused me to reflect on my own "Haylie Bowler Public Affairs Department" and how it is run. 

(52:30) Michael Otterson says, in reference to the LDS's Church's present-day challenge of , "...[balancing] these two seemingly competing principles of building relationships in the secular world with those outside the church who see things differently and yet pushing back against growing secularism and disaffiliation with organized religion" I love his simple answer: "Well, the answer to these and other difficult questions is found in following Jesus Christ in every circumstance. This is our principal mandate; our prime directive."

Hence, the question: is my behavior and thoughts towards others who may have differing opinions other than my own reflective of how Christ would act? 

I share his thoughts when confronted with an individual with differing opinion: "I would not deny him the right to believe differently. While I love the diversity of The Church, I don't believe, ultimately, that diversity trumps unity. If ye are not one ye are not mine'".

You're hot then you're cold.

Sometimes I look through my phone after it has been hijacked by one of the boys. Sometimes I find treasures like unread texts from a week ago or pictures like this one taken by McKay. 

He set the filter and everything. Stopped me in my tracks. Made up for him being a stinker tonight.

I read an article (http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4618254) the other night, sent to me from KD, that described stay-at-home-motherhood perfectly. Behold, the author's response to her husband asking her how her day was:

"How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was CERTAIN I'd explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated -- just BOMBARDED with touch and then the second I put down this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today and then, just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption. Husband -- when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats your day is ALL OF THE THINGS and NONE OF THE THINGS, sometimes within the same three minute period. But I'm not complaining. This is not a complaint, so don't try to FIX IT. I wouldn't have my day Any.Other.Way. I'm just saying -- it's a hell of a hard thing to explain -- an entire day with lots of babies.

But I'd be too tired to say all of that. So I'd just cry, or yell, or smile and say "fine," and then hand the baby over and run to Target to wander aisles aimlessly, because that's all I ever really wanted. But I'd be a little sad because love is about really being seen and known and I wasn't being seen or known then. Everything was really hard to explain. It made me lonely."

After reading this, I just laughed. Motherhood to a T. 

Motherhood explained. 

Motherhood verbatim. 

Mother, glorious mother to the hood. 

Never before I had kids had I ever felt such an extreme aray of emotions in a 24 hour time period. 

And at the end of the day, I sigh...because I love them right down to their left pinky toe. Even when they start Jedi matches at their well-check appointment at the doctor's office.

I want my kids to remember this experience of growing up in our home as joyful and happy. 

Like neon pink happy.

The craziness and deranginess is hopefully overshadowed by the enrichiness and loveliness. 

Because I love them. I squeeze them.

And then I make them go to bed because I need my shift to be over. But then, I go back to check on them because I miss them. And I kiss them.

February, I'm freezing.

I woke up yesterday morning to a fresh coat of snow outside and clear(er) air. For those unfamiliar with the inversion that comes to Salt Lake Valley every January, let me acquaint you...

It's like ....

OK, imagine living inside a ginormous balloon. Now, imagine your cute house, trees, fresh-crisp snow and a blue sky...everything that is a part of your beautiful life also living inside this balloon. Sparkly, right? 

OK

Now add about 1 million idling and/or running vehicles, smoking chimneys, factories, busses, semis and your smoking Aunt Rita into the same balloon. Take a deep breath in....

Yep. That's pretty much what it's like.

Hence, my longing for somewhere tropical and clear. That longing always happens this time of year. I'd even settle for Pocatello, Idaho. But, alas, I usually just end up praying really hard for storms to clean things up a bit and make it sparkly again. Thank goodness Addie asked for a hand-held cockatiel for Christmas! A piece of tropical is with us always now. Meet Juniper:

Meet Spoil-the-grandkids-rotten-Nana and one of the spoiled:

Meet Squishy & Juniper:

Meet Squishy squishing Juniper

Meet Squishy and his favorite things, ikea toilet brush, yoda, one-shoe and sucker stuck to pants. Yep, that's how we like 'em. Simple.

Meet my smokin' hot husband:

Uncle Wampa moved in with us today. The boys are ecstatic. Hopefully Wampa is too. I'd like to be a fly on the wall to listen to the toys' conversations after the boys leave their room...

you know...

like when all their toys come back to life? 

Anyway...

Gotta' keep that Wampa in line.

Along with the other wild animals living under our roof.

So, I crocheted some booties.

I actually don't want to start a new post reviewing the past few days. It becomes embarrassing and shameful to talk about that one time yesterday when sitting down in your room crying into your hands is a whole lot better than blubbering into the phone to your husband narrating the sequence of events called "mom tantrum". I understand how it can get a little awkward listening to a full-grown adult speak incoherently about something that makes no sense. And he goes on loving me anyway. How embarrassing love can be sometimes. 

At the time of me typing this, everyone in my family has thrown up or spent some decent amount of time on the pod since last Friday...except for McKay. Don't worry though, I know his turn is coming. One of the perks of having a large family is that the stomach flu gets to linger a little longer. 

So, I made booties.

Because what else are you going to do when cute-face is so nauseous he just... He just....is so cute? 

Wait--gotta get one of the puke bowl too:

Assuming that I will be a zombie tomorrow (since jack and I are still up at 4:30 am), I apologize now for unfiltered commentary that may stream out of my mouth. It has been known to happen around here when mom doesn't get enough sleep.

Things in my brain as of late: Heavenly Father wants me to go the temple. He wants me to bring a family name to the temple. And even more than that, he wants me to involve Addie. She turns 12 next week and boy oh boy, what else can I say? Here we go! I've got to figure out a way to get this world around me organized so I can spend some time doing that. 

So, I hired cleaners. They start tomorrow.

Now you see it.

Snip

Snip

Now you don't!

Curly mullet gone!

Another thing in my brain: I'm so tired, I'm starting to hallucinate that my kitchen floor is cleaned by a dog on an hourly basis. Oh wait, that's for real. 

Maybe I should tell the cleaners to nevermind about coming. Laci's got this.

Ya, ok. I'm going to bed.

Jack, ready for bed? Jack? Jack?

I think the night of hurl has officially ended.

Sick.

Why is it when you're sick does the hubs seem that much cuter? 

Stomach flu? Food poisoning? Either way--it isn't good. No good like someone just beat you with a 2x4 no good. Addie too. Oakley provided good guardianship seeing as how Addie's guardian was contained by the toilet. 

Good dog.

A week without going to church feels like...weird. Tomorrow will probably feel like Sunday but my kids will be at school. 

Thank goodness for Leah. To church and after church my kids went. We are all blessed by good and mindful guardians when we can't care for ourselves. That is such a comfort. 

Leah. I've never met anyone like her. I'll never forget when she approached me at a time when the twins were infants and said, "I would like to come help you before church. I feel strongly and spiritually directed to come help you." Not the "I had a dream about you last night"-and this is awkward kind of a way- but a real, genuine, sincere and loving way that came from the heart. The rest is history. She has come EVERY Sunday since. She has treated this kind act as a calling. Even when she can't be here, she finds a substitute. Every single time. THAT, my friends, is pollinating the world with the pure love of Christ that Elder Ballard was speaking of.

We have so many good pollinators surrounding us. The Densley family took Hollynd to a BYU gymnastics meet vs The University of Utah.

They could've overlooked sweet Hollynd --and her love for all things gymnastics--knowing that she would cheer for BYU and she would be the black sheep, but they accepted and invited her anyway. AND protected her from the wolves.

How nice was that?

Kaydee is another busy bee. Treating me with kindness when I least deserve it. 

Humored my boys by coming over for a "late night" when she could've easily justified not coming over because she was busy or because I can be a jerk sometimes and forget that I'm talking to my sister. 

[insert cute picture of me and KD here]

[Insert awesome quote about charity here--will find after sick cloud blows over]

We are a family blessed by manywho serve and love us. This shows me I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and places people in my life that blesses me for good. I must do the same.